Jokes and humour

[turrican_007]

worth a look http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIReX7aRBec&NR=1

[Deck]

Guy goes to his Doctor as he is not feeling to clever. The Doctor tellls him to strip off for a full medical. The Doctor does the business and the guy asks what's wrong with him. "Well" the Doctor says, "you've got V.D." The guy, shocked, quickly says "Well I must have caught it from a toilet seat!!!!" The Doctor replies-"you must have been f**king eating it then cause its in your gums"

[amestaper]

Joe is telling his pal Rick his troubles:
"You know that new girl at work, the one I've been wanting to ask out?" he asks.
"Yeah, what about her?" Rick replies.
"Well, every time I see her, I get an instant erection, and have to turn away to hide it."
"That's rough. Why don't you try taping your dick to your leg, then it won't show?" Rick suggests.
Joe agrees this is a great idea. Rick even loans him a roll of duct tape.
A few days later, they meet again:
"Well, I called her and asked her out, and she said yes," Joe reports.
"That's great!"
"So I get to her house, walk up to her door, and she answers it wearing a short, sheer dress."
"Great! How'd it go?"
Joe slumps down in his chair. "I kicked her in the face."

[turktown taper]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Stella ... at half the price.'

top jokes!!!

[amestaper]

A man owned a small taping business in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the business owner, 'there's my labourer who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £500 a week plus free room and board.'

'The secretary has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £350 per week plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £20 per week, pays his own room and board. I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent from the Inland Revenue.

'Aye. That would be me,' replied the taping contractor.

It's not so funny when you realise how close to the truth this joke actually is.

[Lightrock]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[amestaper]

My wife said "Watcha doing today?"
I said "Nothing."
She said "You did that yesterday!"
I said "I wasn't finished."

[DMS]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
Suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
Paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this
Take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
Stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
Breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
Missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
Again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
Straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[amestaper]

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you £1000?"

"Well, for a £1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man shows up next day and slaps £1000 on the table and they do the business. In the evening her husband comes home a little distraught:

"Was my best friend here today?"

"Y-y-yes." his wife says with concern.

"And did he leave £1000?"

"Y-y-yes." she says expecting the worst.

"Oh good, what a great pal he is. He came to me this morning and asked if he could borrow £1000, promising to return it this afternoon!"

[dryliner8]

just brought one of those new wigs made from bum hair,looks great but keeps blowing off!!!

[Brian S]

Please look at this and respond in a postive manner !

As a rule, I try to avoid these "add your name" lists that come by e-mails, BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.

It's important that names aren't lost on the list so just hit forward and send it on to as many people as possible.


Please keep it going!

To show your support for Gordon Brown please go to the end of the list and just add your name.

Please scan down to add your name















1. Mrs Sarah Brown.

2.

[amestaper]

I was testing children in my Scottish Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv goat tae be fu**in' deid"

[amestaper]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

Another year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth,.....

I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

[E.K Taper]

A 14 year old boy is walking thru the supermarket with his dad when he notices the display containing condoms.
"Why are there so many different pack sizes?" he asks.
"Well son, the 3pack is for when you start to go out drinking with your mates. You can pull a girl on a friday night, one on a saturday night, and you've got 1 for the sunday morning."
"Whats the 6pack for then?" the boy quizzes.
"Thats for when you go to Uni. You got 1 for thursday night, 1 for friday night, 1 for saturday morning, 1 for saturday night, another 1 for sunday night then 1 left for after the pub quiz on monday night."
"Holy f**k, dad, whats the 12 pack for then????" he asks.
Letting out a sigh, the dad says "Thats for when you get married, son. 1 for January, 1 for February................"

[amestaper]

Woman meets a bloke in a bar and goes back to his place. During the course of the evening whilst passing the bedroom she notices 3 neat rows of teddy bears sat on the shelves. On the bottom shelf are small bears, middle shelf bigger bears with the largest on the top shelf. Woman thinks the bloke must be the sensitive kind and that he could be the one for her. One thing leads to another and they end up in bed making mad passionate love. Next morning the woman asks the bloke "How was I?" He replies "Not bad at all, help yaself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

[turktown taper]

in the sleepy village of erbum near the town of tillet in hertfordshire, lives a woman called
linda lykes, she is the landlady of the local pub, the cockwell inn.
for some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed she receives her post !!

linda lykes
the cockwell inn
erbum
tillet herts.

[Brian S]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'


You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

[Brian S]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.





The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."





So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.





Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:





1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.


8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."


12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[amestaper]

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a hillbilly murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.