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  1. #1
    Member Burdie's Avatar
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    Talking Jokes and humour


    A girl asks her boyfriend, to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
    Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
    Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
    The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.
    "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
    The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meet his girlfriend at the door.
    "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
    The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes passes and still no movement from the boy.
    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious. "
    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!!"

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    Member Burdie's Avatar
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    Default Vampire bat

    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
    Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
    "OK, follow me" , he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees.
    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
    "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
    "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
    "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't"

  4. #3
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    Default The best interview response ever

    For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
    You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

    It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radio went silent and the interview ended
    Attached Images Attached Images


  5. #4
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    Default

    A family moved into a house next door to a building site. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The family's 5-year-old son naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. He hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted him as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with him, let him sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave him little jobs to do here and there to make him feel important.

    At the end of the first week they even presented him with a pay envelope containing £5. The little boy took this home to his mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money he had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little boy how he had come by his very own wage packet at such a young age.

    The little boy proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a new house."

    "My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little boy replied, "I will be, if those useless b**tards at B&Q ever bring us that f**king plasterboard!"
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

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    Default

    An Italian, an Irishman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a building site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "you're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinaman, "and you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. When I come back I want to see a dent in that pile."

    So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns he sees the pile of sand is untouched.

    He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese man was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."

    So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."

    The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese man.

    Just then, the Chinese bloke springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

  7. #6
    Senile Old Bastard the_tapeinator's Avatar
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    Default

    A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

    The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

    When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

    The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

    The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

    "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

    "That damned Pete!" the drunk chuckled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
    Jesus loves you........ everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

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    Senile Old Bastard the_tapeinator's Avatar
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    Default

    Paddy & Murphy work on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!’

    He climbs up onto the rafters, hangs upside down & screams ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’ Murphy watches in amazement!

    The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

    ‘Where the hell are you going?‘ asks the Foreman.

    ‘I cant work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.
    Jesus loves you........ everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

  9. #8
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    Smile Subject: Company policy for 2009

    Yet another email circular I have to share.

    "Dear employees,

    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

    Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

    Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

    Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle!


    Sincerely,
    The Management"


  10. #9
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    Default Revenge

    A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another guy.

    The construction worker puts the naked man in a headlock and growls, 'Outside. You and I are gonna settle this like we do on site.'

    He drags the man out to the garage and puts his willy in a vice, securing it tightly then breaking off the handle.

    The construction worker then picks up a hacksaw and starts walking towards the man, with a huge evil grin on his face.

    The man, terrified, screams, 'Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..cut it off, are you???'

    With a wicked gleam in his eye, the construction worker puts the hacksaw in the man's hand.

    'No,' he whispers softly in the man's ear. 'I'm going to set the garage on fire.'


  11. #10
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    Default A Duck Walks Into a Pub

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint and a cheese and ham sandwich.

    Landlord looks at him and says, "... you're a duck!"
    "I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
    "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working" says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
    "Certainly" says the landlord, "Sorry about that, its just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
    "I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

    This continues every day for a fortnight. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him "You're with the circus, arent you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
    "Sounds marvellous," says the circus ringleader, "Get him to give me a call."

    The next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Duck, fancy a new job, paying really good money!"
    "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the landlord. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right." replies the landlord.

    "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle and all the cages?" asks the duck. "Exactly!" says the landlord.

    The duck looks confused and says "..and what the f**k do they want with a plasterer?"
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  12. #11
    Member JPxTPxMP's Avatar
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    Default

    There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one £5000 and see how each of them spends it.

    The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

    The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

    The third one takes the £5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the £5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

    The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

  13. #12
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    Default blonde joke

    A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

    After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.

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    Default coco pops

    A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
    You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
    The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
    "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!
    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f**kin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

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    Default

    A man on his way home from work came to a complete stop in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer what's the hold up?"

    The officer replies, "Gordon Brown is just so depressed about the economy that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the motorway and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family and the voters hate him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house renovations. We're taking up a collection for him."

    "Oh really? How much have you got so far?"

    "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

  16. #15
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    Default

    A pirate walks into a bar and the barman asks, "Sir, did you know theres a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?"

    The pirate replies, "Arghhh....... and it's been driving me nuts."
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

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    Default

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
    The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

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    Default

    A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
    "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
    "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
    "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
    "Well," Granny sniggered, "What do you say, should we get naked?"
    Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

  19. #18
    Administrator admin's Avatar
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    Default

    A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
    "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
    The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
    "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
    "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
    The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."


  20. #19
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    Default

    After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her genitals were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that,with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
    Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
    "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon? the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
    "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Lucy.
    "And the third?"."That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

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    Default a dogs dinner

    A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.

    Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said, in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"

    The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

    The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

    Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

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