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Thread: Jokes and humour

  1. #341
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    Fernando Torres is averaging 1.6 goals per manager at Chelsea.
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

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    Paddy presents his wife with a huge booke, bouke, bookyt, Oh! Bu##er!! BUNCH! of flowers for their anniversary, she then walked casually into the bedroom, striped off her clothes, lay on the bed with her legs wide apart and says to Paddy "This is for the flowers!" Paddy replied "Bejessus!! Don't we have a vase??"

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    The gay guy asks his pal, "what's the best way to remove a condom?" the reply was,

    "FART!"

  4. #344
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    Dear Mum and Dad,




    You'll be happy to hear that I've recently left my black
    boyfriend Abdul, I know that you didn't approve of him because of his
    race and the fact he was twenty-one years older than me.
    You'll be also pleased to know that I've met a nice English boy when I
    was in Germany . He has changed my life, I've never been more happy.
    His name's Andrew and he's just one year older than me.
    The extra good news is that we are both coming back to London next
    month and he can't wait to meet you both. I'll call when I have a flight date.


    In the meantime I've attached a recent photo of the two of us in the
    square where we met in Hamburg .



    See you soon, your loving daughter,

    Samantha xxxxx





    bcdcd368-69c8-4e3e.jpg

  5. #345
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
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    A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox on Saturday. Police are still trying to work out if it was a missile or a takeover bid.
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  6. #346
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    agent on job said i was the best taper he had ever seen and i looked like clint eastwood.
    well his actual words were,
    ive never seen taping like that in my life your a cowboy.

  7. #347
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    Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything....





    while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.
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    Was watching Match of the Day and it looked like Carlos Tevez took a severe elbow to the face.

    Then Joey Barton elbowed him in the face.
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    LMAO !! Nice 1 Big G

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Shiva For This Useful Post:

    big g (15-05-2012)

  11. #350
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    A pre season friendly has been arranged between Rangers and Portsmouth. Its being billed as 'El Brassico'

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    What I love most about my iPhone 5 is the new waterproof feature it has. You should try it.
    Your messages are really important to us
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    I was pulled over by a police Car today. The officer asked " Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?
    "No officer" I replied.
    "Well," he said. " This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users."
    "Thanks" I said. " So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then?"
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    Hunting and Talking
    Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

    The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing

    windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for

    six months.

    The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus

    ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

    The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

    He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time

    and I had to take a ****, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into

    *the* position."

    "Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.

    "I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

    One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

    He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."

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    Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires sticking out of it. He phones the Police and says "BeJesus I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb " The operator asks "is it ticking" Paddy says" no I think it's beef

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    I took my wife to a night club last night and there was a guy on the dance floor "giving it large". He was break-dancing, moonwalking, back-flipping, pogo-ing etc. My wife turned to me and said "See that guy there? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I turned him down".


    I replied "Aye, and it looks like the lucky sod is still celebrating!"

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    A drunk is proudly showing off his new flat to a couple of friends late one night, and leads the way to his bedroom, where there's a huge brass gong.
    'What's that for?' asks one of the guests.
    'That's the talking clock' replies the man, 'Listen....'
    With that, he gives it a big whack with a hammer.
    'For f**k sake!' screams a voice from next door, 'it's ten past three in the morning!'

  18. #357
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    "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
    Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
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    Funny how things come in 3's. First Bradley Wiggins damages his ribs after being knocked off his bike. Secondly his coach Shane Sutton has internal bleeding after being knocked off his bike. And thirdly, I stubbed my toe on the bastard exercise bike as I was going into the garage for some more cans of lager this afternoon. Spooky!
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    I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.
    I knew it was a shit squad with no future, so I declined the offer.


    I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
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    Quote Originally Posted by E.K Taper View Post
    A pre season friendly has been arranged between Rangers and Portsmouth. Its being billed as 'El Brassico'
    Maybe we could ask Hearts to make this a 3 team 'round robin' tournament, what do you think, Amestaper?....................

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