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Thread: Jokes and humour

  1. #481
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    A woman walks into the bar and asks the barman for an innuendo...... So he gave her one.
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  2. #482
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    Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

    They always punch up the fuckline.
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    I played the Health Lottery at the corner shop today.
    Bought sixty Capstan Non-Filter and a litre bottle of whisky.
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  4. #484
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    I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
    She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
    In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
    We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..?
    'What's that..?' I asked.
    'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
    I said, 'No,' - really excitedly.
    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',.
    So I went back to her place.
    She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?
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    I came home from work early the other day to find my wife and our neighbour on the couch breathless and sweaty.
    "What the fuck's going on here?" I asked.
    My wife stood up, "ermm... we were just playing the Wii fit" she then winked at our neighbour, "Dave is VERY GOOD".
    As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me an idiot.
    But I had the last laugh, I checked the next day and his scores hadn't even registered!
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  7. #486
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    As she took down my trousers, she shrieked, "Oh my, I've never seen one that big before !!"

    "Really?" I said, not without some surprise.

    "Oh yes," she replied, "It's very rare to see a top button that big on a pair of men's trousers. Sorry about your tiny cock."
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    One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him what he did about sex.
    "What's that?" he asked.
    She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
    Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly."
    She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
    "Here," she said, "You must put it in here."
    Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the fanny. Jane rolled around in agony.
    Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
    "Tarzan check for bees!"
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    Two old women meet up in a cafe one morning. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?"
    Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
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    lol

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    "I bet it hurt when you fell from heaven, didn't it?" I asked the girl at the bar.

    "Yeah" she laughed, "but what can you do?"

    I said, "You could have tried landing on your feet rather than your face."
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    As I was getting undressed the other night, my missus looked at me and said "I wish you were hung like John Holmes"
    So I replied back "Yes Darling, and I wish you were hung like Ruth Ellis"
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