Visit Belmore Tools online shop


Results 1 to 18 of 18
  1. #1
    Senile Old Bastard the_tapeinator's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    235
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    17
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    22
    Thanked in
    19 Posts

    Lightbulb Believe it or not


    I started reading a book called "Ripleys believe it or not". interesting, strange but true facts and def off topic.

    Did you know Colgate toothpaste faced a big hurdle in trying to market its products in Spanish spoken countries. Colgate translates to "Go hang yourself."

    Prince Randian, known as the living torso has no arms or legs. However, he amazingly learned to roll, light and smoke a cigarete by moving his mouth.

    The USA bought Alaska from Russia for 2 cents per acre.
    Jesus loves you........ everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

  2. #2
    Member Burdie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    33
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    4
    Thanked in
    4 Posts

    Default

    Strange Laws still in force today.

    In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.

    In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

    Strange but true stories.

    An Essex man was fined 10 for careless bicycle riding. When he was arrested, he was riding without his hands on the handlebars reading a newspaper. He told the court, "this is the only chance i ever get to read a newspaper".

  3. #3
    Guest
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    5
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    0
    Thanked in
    0 Posts

    Default

    Got that book also. Heres my 2 cents worth.

    - In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits.

    - In 2005 Sasha Gardner advertised a bucket of seawater from Bournemouth England for sale on Ebay at $100. A london man snapped it up within a week.

    - 2 motorcyclists lost $20,000 in cash in 2005 when their backpacks burst open on a highway near Winchester, England. Although drivers stopped to help strong winds blew the notes across the road and only a small portion of the money was recovered.

  4. #4
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    7
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post

    Default

    strange but true Better hope you never ever need a skin graft on the elbow, as the skin comes from a dead mans scrotum.

  5. #5
    Administrator admin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    342
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    101
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    13
    Thanked in
    12 Posts

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by naughtyboy View Post
    strange but true Better hope you never ever need a skin graft on the elbow, as the skin comes from a dead mans scrotum.
    A fascinating fact is you have just made my eyes water. I will wear knee and elbow pads forever.


  6. #6
    Member JPxTPxMP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    73
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    3
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    9
    Thanked in
    8 Posts

    Default

    A woman from Arkansas USA went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When she came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

    The woman looked very strange, so she tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

    She didn't know what to do and she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then when she regained consciousness, attempted to hold her brains in!

  7. #7
    Member JPxTPxMP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    73
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    3
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    9
    Thanked in
    8 Posts

    Default

    Police in Yorkshire were busily watching for speeding cars with there mobile radar equipment when their equipment appeared to malfunction. It began to clock a speeder at 300 mph and all was revealed a few seconds later when a low flying Harrier jump jet screamed overhead.

    The police registered a complaint regarding damaged radar equipment with the MOD (UK Ministry of Defense). The MOD replied that the damage could have been worse: the Harrier's defense systems had latched onto the radar and had gone into an automatic pre-emptive strike mode before the pilot decided enemy anti-aircraft activity was unlikely along the motorways of northern England.

  8. #8
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default

    There's a story about a student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  9. #9
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default

    This one is apparently a true story...
    This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything , he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding. After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F*ck you," he turned to the bride and said "F*ck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it as if nothing was wrong.

    His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for the 300 guest wedding and reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. And best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.

    This guy has balls the size of church bells.
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  10. #10
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default

    Hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to "Hello, you fat b@stard".
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  11. #11
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*ck you!"
    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  12. #12
    Newbie
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    10
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post

    Default

    There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...

    Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
    (is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

  13. #13
    Administrator admin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    342
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    101
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    13
    Thanked in
    12 Posts

    Default

    While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate, joined him. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled.

    At last report the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.


  14. #14
    Member Burdie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    33
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    4
    Thanked in
    4 Posts

    Default

    This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash
    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It stunk.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

  15. #15
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default Pocket Tazer Stun Gun

    Just another email circular I received this morning.

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs... AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative! IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Fred
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  16. #16
    Guest
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Scotland, West Coast
    Posts
    20
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    3
    Thanked in
    3 Posts

    Default Breaking News

    I've just been told that it is not Babysitting if they are your own children
    Well you learn something new every day

  17. #17
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default

    Is this the oddest game of football ever?

    A match played around Dec '93-Feb '94 between Barbados and Grenada in some cup competition. Barbados needed to win the game by two clear goals in order to progress to the next round. Now the trouble was caused by a daft rule in the competition which stated that in the event of a game going to penalty kicks, the winner would be awarded a 2-0 victory.

    With 5 minutes to go, Barbados were leading 2-1, and going out of the tournament. Then, when they realised they were probably not going to score against Grenada's massed defence, they turned round, and deliberately scored an own goal, to level the scores. Grenada, themselves not being stupid, realised what was going on, and then attempted to score an own goal themselves. However, the Barbados players started defending their opponents goal to prevent this. In the last five minutes, therefore, spectators were treated to the incredible sight of a team defending their opponents goal against attackers desperately trying to score an own goal!

    Eventually, the game did go to penalties, which Barbados won... Apparently it was televised live.
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

  18. #18
    Season ticket holder amestaper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Edinburgh
    Posts
    2,644
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    432
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    282
    Thanked in
    229 Posts

    Default The worst unintentional company URLs

    A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
    www.whorepresents.com

    Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
    www.expertsexchange.com

    Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
    www.penisland.net

    Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
    www.therapistfinder.com

    Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company
    www.powergenitalia.com

    If you're looking for computer software, there's always
    www.ipanywhere.com

    Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
    www.cummingfirst.com

    Then, of course, there's these art designers and their whacky website:
    www.speedofart.com

    Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
    www.gotahoe.com

    Too much spare time this morning and I went a bit crazy with cut/paste.
    Your messages are really important to us
    ...but not important enough to employ a sufficient number of support staff to answer them.

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •